Monday, January 31, 2011

Give me the short and sweet....

Well the short and sweet of it. I was going to write a blog about my infertility past, telling you of all the drama and procedures and issues I have had to face. Honestly it is a heartbreaking journey and I would not want to wish it on anyone. For a long time I have allowed it to consume me and take over my life. Well not anymore. I am happy to tell you I am a liberated woman. Sure there are days that are less than perfect and I find myself slipping away. But I am here to tell you infertility is not the end and it does not have to define you!! I can't tell you how long it will take for you to reach this point. A point I like to call peace! But you will.

I have struggled with infertility since 2001 and have only recently, after a failed IVF attempt, found peace. I know some of you are wondering how in the world can you find peace after a failed IVF? Well I had to go through a very personal griefing process. Am I any closer to an answer? Not really. My IVF was textbook. I responded well, I had a five day transfer and even thought there was implantation. But they did not take. I only had one shot. It was supposed to be the money shot, and it failed. Or as my step sons say EPIC FAIL!! Yeah it was an epic fail. And I grieved not only the loss of those two embryo's but at the loss of biological motherhood.

There is good news here. As I lay there on my tearstained floor wondering if my life was even worth being here. Looking ahead and seeing darkness. Asking myself why I could never see a part of me? Why I was not worthy in my creator's eyes for life? Wondering what my God wanted me to learn from this pain? I closed off to my very loving husband and family, I could not find comfort in anything. But, I could not close myself off to God. He broke through as I begged for peace. He didn't answer my prayers to have a biological child, but he promised I would have peace.

Numbers 6:25-26
the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace."

I still do not know the answers. I don't understand the plan. And many of you at this point are probably aggravated to hear one of the same old God stories. I understand, but I spent way too much time fighting my creator and being angry when all I had to do was give it over. Or as they say truely Let Go and Let God!

No comments:

Post a Comment