Thursday, February 10, 2011

Happiness is a Thought Away

Just because we are handed a sentence by man does not mean man has the final say! One thing one man can never take from another are his thoughts. Big deal huh? Well it can be a big deal because the way we think shapes the way we live and how we react to things in our lives.
You can choose to be positive and keep a like outlook. Or you can look at the negative and dwell on the bad things.
My experience in the realm of negativity has taught me being negative makes you sick both physically and mentally, it makes you bitter, it makes you a person no one wants to be around. In the end the negative person is a lonely person.

It was very interesting today in class to be reacquainted with a book called The Secret. A lot of you have probably read or heard of this book. It discusses the Law of Attraction and how we manifest things in our life through the power of thought. Really is it that easy? Yes it is. I remember being the negative person in the room. The one who had a bleak outlook on life, but I decided about 6 months ago to work on the power of positive thought.

With that being said, I have told you of my experiences with infertility. I have told you that I was infertile. Did I actually manifest the infertility in my own body by telling myself over and over that I would not conceive? I am not sure.
Even the Bible teaches us to Ask, believe and receive as if it was already so. Have I done that? Nope. Is it foolish to believe this can work? Maybe, but what do I have to lose?

So as of today I am just going to put it out here for the world. I AM fertile. This is a page not about infertility, but about FERTILITY, about positive thinking and positive manifestations. Several years ago my husband tried to get me on board with this. He used to buy baby clothes for a little girl. Socks, blankets, and a little Precious Moments doll. He told me to believe that it will happen do not allow doubt. I still have those things packed in a little box. It was hard for me to understand why he was doing this. To me it was too painful. I guess now I am in a place where all that is left is the power of positive thinking and the Will of God.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Give me the short and sweet....

Well the short and sweet of it. I was going to write a blog about my infertility past, telling you of all the drama and procedures and issues I have had to face. Honestly it is a heartbreaking journey and I would not want to wish it on anyone. For a long time I have allowed it to consume me and take over my life. Well not anymore. I am happy to tell you I am a liberated woman. Sure there are days that are less than perfect and I find myself slipping away. But I am here to tell you infertility is not the end and it does not have to define you!! I can't tell you how long it will take for you to reach this point. A point I like to call peace! But you will.

I have struggled with infertility since 2001 and have only recently, after a failed IVF attempt, found peace. I know some of you are wondering how in the world can you find peace after a failed IVF? Well I had to go through a very personal griefing process. Am I any closer to an answer? Not really. My IVF was textbook. I responded well, I had a five day transfer and even thought there was implantation. But they did not take. I only had one shot. It was supposed to be the money shot, and it failed. Or as my step sons say EPIC FAIL!! Yeah it was an epic fail. And I grieved not only the loss of those two embryo's but at the loss of biological motherhood.

There is good news here. As I lay there on my tearstained floor wondering if my life was even worth being here. Looking ahead and seeing darkness. Asking myself why I could never see a part of me? Why I was not worthy in my creator's eyes for life? Wondering what my God wanted me to learn from this pain? I closed off to my very loving husband and family, I could not find comfort in anything. But, I could not close myself off to God. He broke through as I begged for peace. He didn't answer my prayers to have a biological child, but he promised I would have peace.

Numbers 6:25-26
the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace."

I still do not know the answers. I don't understand the plan. And many of you at this point are probably aggravated to hear one of the same old God stories. I understand, but I spent way too much time fighting my creator and being angry when all I had to do was give it over. Or as they say truely Let Go and Let God!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Once Upon An April's Dream

This tale begins rather boring and simple.
A regular girl, leading a regular life
Dreams of being a mother
Dreams of being a wife.
Seems to be quite a simple dream.
So why did this girl fall apart at the seams?
Well that is how April's Dream became a nightmare.
A totally different place
A very different face
Where worlds collide
And the dream subsides
As reality begins to take precident
Over what was just a simple dream.